As many of you know, I dropped out of college in my second semester.
I was raised to believe that I would go to college and get my diploma, no questions asked. That’s just what you did. And I loved college. I loved my classes and the long sidewalks and the shaded lawns and that smell of pencil shavings and linoleum. Even after Alex started following me home, his footprints gaining on mine in the snow, I loved school. It didn’t even occur to me that I could leave. In the evenings I huddled in bed wearing one of Jason’s shirts, a cup of herbal tea cooling on the table, my books open in front of me. Taking notes.
Eventually, Jason convinced me to drop my classes, my safety was more important than school and all that. And he was right, of course. I proceeded to email my professors with requests for further reading lists and sped through 13, 17, 20 books a month. I read and thought and read some more. A few years later, my old classmates graduated. I congratulated them and wanted to cry. I was convinced that I was stupid, truly beyond saving, because I didn’t and might never have that piece of paper. I looked at my husband and felt that I didn’t deserve him because he went to Washington University and I couldn’t even finish my freshman year at a state college.
When it comes to Alex, I’m nothing if not fond of revisionist history. I’m extraordinarily good at pretending he never existed. In my mind, I didn’t drop out of college because it gave my rapist access to me. I dropped out of college because…what? A big blank. Oh, because I’m so stupid! That’s it. Of course. How could I forget?
Time has passed.
I have had two children and read a few hundred books and taught myself to can. I’ve gone to therapy and learned the most efficient method of painting a room and written a good chunk of a novel. I am not stupid.
Every autumn I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. One of my favorite scenes is when Francie, who has not even been to high school, looks at her college application and writes “self-educated” in the blanks where schools should be.
I’ll take it.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I love that part! I love it when she realizes that she is the first in her whole family to go to Coolidge even though she never went to high school. That’s my favorite book, and I also read it every year.
You may have not finished college, but I’m pretty certain that you have a better education than me. 1) you’re a lot more motivated to read and learn than I ever was in college, and 2) you have someone to discuss the things you’ve read and learned with. Technically, that’s supposed to be what you do in college, but at most schools, particularly state schools, the idiots outnumber the earnest kids so discussions are stupid, pointless, and lead to a lot of skipping class (at least in my case).
I have two pieces of paper that claim that I am “educated” and I know people that have three, even four, degrees and are no where near as well-read or well-reasoned as I think you are. So don’t let that ever stop you from getting into academic discussions or making you think that you aren’t equal to someone else who did graduate.
Most brilliant response ever.
Thanks Lizy.
That means a lot to me.
college is a lot of things and it’s not always, or even often, good education.
i took that year off after i was raped ( which caused my deep regression into my eating disorder again). i felt so stupid and worthless. but actually, actually, i was taking care of my self. so i didn’t have a heart attack or kill myself.
cate, you are the smartest woman i know.
Love you. <3
There are many ways to become educated. I spent a lot of time (13 years) in college as a student and an instructor and I can tell you that much of it was hoop-jumping. many of the professors I knew were completely helpless and clueless about how to function outside their chosen discipline–their focus and their lives were pretty narrowly focused. The education you get in college/university–just like the education you get in life–is what you make it. Some people do their 4 years, get their credential, and seek the good-paying job (even though these are getting harder to find). For these people, college was just a means to an end–a bigger paycheck. For others, education happens each and every day through an entire lifetime. Who do you think is better-educated? I have now been away from academia almost as long as I was in it and my education has continued–and so will yours, because that’s the kind of person you are and the kind of mind you have. Always be proud of your mind and your ability to challenge and grow it!! You seem like the kind of person who will never stop learning and applying what you learn to your life in ways large and small. That makes you a very highly educated individual
Thanks Shari.
I agree, it’s just hard to apply this kind of thing to yourself sometimes, you know? My FIL never went to college, barely graduated high school because his dyslexia wasn’t diagnosed until very late. But he’s one of the very smartest people I know.
I like it.
I completely agree with Elizabeth, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I am currently in college. I hope to receive my bachelor’s degree this year. After that, I will study further for my Masters degree. I like college, I like to read, I like my study. But, I went to college because it was expected. After you finished your high school, you aren’t finished yet. Everybody here believes that it would be very silly to start working directly out of high school (I’m from the Netherlands by the way, so our educationsystem is a little bit different than in Amerika). So I went to college, and I really like it. But when I read your blog (which I’ve been doing for two or three years now), I feel so much younger than you. You seem so incredible smart, and wise, and older (in a good way, you know: life experience and stuff), although you’re just a little but older than me (I’m 21 years old at the moment).
So, what I’m trying to say: Don’t feel stupid or not smart enough, because you didn’t complete your college, because you didn’t get a degree. I really think you’re a very smart and wise and well-educated person. You seem so much more educated than me, even though you dropped out of college and I didn’t.
College isn’t the only way to get educated, I think you really prove that point
I always like to point out that Robert Frost didn’t finish college. Nor did Jonathan Lethem. Despite this, they both taught at prestigious universities.
Also, my “masters” degree, as you know, was the biggest waste of time of anything, ever.
Similar to what I was going to write. Many of our founding fathers did not go to college. Emily Dickinson left college after a semester and John Muir dropped out too. I can’t even begin to list the captains of industry who left college early or never went at all.
You’re unquestionably intelligent…and YOUNG. You can always go to college later if you want, but a degree after your name certainly doesn’t mean you’re any smarter than anyone else.
cate,
you are wise to me beyond measure. i love this post. i love unschoolers (did half my master’s thesis on it). i admire you, for what it’s worth (mostly really yummy recipes lol). francie is one of my favorite book characters ever. go you.
I love reading your blog. I think you are a really awesome writer. Have you considered going back to school? I know you are very busy with your children, but maybe you can take one class during the evening. As other commenters mentioned, you are very intelligent and really don’t need a degree to be educated, but if you truly enjoyed school, then you should consider it again…
I’ve considered going back and taking classes I’m interested in (not necessarily in pursuit of a degree). I had planned to go back after Jason and I got married, but I owed my school about $1500 for dropping out after the withdrawal period, and I couldn’t go back until it was paid off. Maybe when my kids are a little older I’ll go back.
I was reading in Laura Ingalls Wilder: A Writer’s Life about her own feeling about not being able to finish school, and she is one of our great children’s authors. I also considered what a writer who was being interviewed in Ken Burns’ documentary about the national parks said that most of what he learned about science was as an adult by talking to rangers in the park.
Personally I think education is often wasted on the youth. I wish I’d been able to work in a cubicle first, and then had the appreciation for spending days studying a language, the sciences, literature and such.
Lastly, you are one of the most articulate, well-read and smartest people I know. I love that you are always on a path of education.
Thanks, Catherine.
Jason’s dad is actually a naturalist at a state park and his knowledge amazes me. But he certainly didn’t learn it in school!
Based on this post, I signed A Tree Grows in Brooklyn out from the library and just finished it last night – what a wonderful novel! Reading it was like a gift, so thanks
You inspire me. We spend more time in college studying people who never went. In nursing school, we celebrate nurses who only learned by doing; they never referred to anything they learned as “theory” because nursing is ALL PRACTICE. I’ve been seeking the inspiration to cut and run after I make LPN because I’m very tired after 4 years an associate’s degree and a certificate in nursing to show for it; both of which are worthless considering the amount of time it took to get them.
You may think yourself unremarkable, but even my best friend who dropped out of high school who is a fitness trainer, can talk circles around any PhD. I’ve never seen a reason to continue as I am easily getting older and have little prospect of enjoying my life no matter how long I spend in college. Many people who are in school are unwilling to accept the prospect of not continuing school. I’ve been told by my instructors and classmates not to quit, but they’ve succeeded in doing naught but making my life harder.
I’m out of gas and I have ambition to learn sewing, horticulture, construction, wild crafting, and many other things that I can NEVER learn in college. You are amazing and everyone online and in life who live their truth are a constant reminder that I don’t have to be afraid of getting out there and making it happen.
Thanks, Jon! I totally agree. It’s just hard to see when it’s yourself, know what I mean?